drugged pumkin juice
by Rebekha Cullen
Summary: slash and insanity. read if you want your eyes to melt. crackfic!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter Title: Chapter 1

Author's Notes:

Story:  
Harry walked into the Great Hall one morning for breakfast, sitting down at his usual seat between Hermione and Ron. "Hey Ron, hey Hermione," he said happily.

Hermione giggled, covered her mouth and then threw a cup at him, spilling hot tea all down his front. Both Ron and Harry stared at her- well, until Harry yelled in pain as the steaming tea seeped through his clothing and started to scald his skin in various places.

Draco looked up from his cup of pumpkin juice, sniffing the air. "I smell... pain." He practically dissolved on the spot to reappear next to Harry, who was frantically trying to get his clothes off while Ron was stuffing muffins in his pants and Hermione was still laughing hysterically.

After staring at the scene before him for several moments, well, more accurately, staring at his greatest rival shedding clothes as fast as he possibly could Malfoy leapt on Harry and began making out with the emerald-eyed boy as hotly as possible.

Albus Dumbledore, intelligent and serene as ever, threw a potato at them. "That's terribly cliché, Draco. Do something the readers haven't seen before, please." And, like a Roman leader watching a mildly amusing scene of two Gladiators beating the crap out of each other in a Coliseum, he relaxed in his gigantic Headmaster chair thing and clapped twice.

The effect was immediate. Draco jumped off of Harry, who was perfectly stunned about having just made out with his arch nemesis while he was half-naked, and the blonde began a strip-tease for Ron.

Strangely enough, Ron pulled out an American 20 bill and stuffed it into the boxers of Draco Malfoy. "Yeah! Work it!"

Albus shrugged, "At least it's not Harry and Draco... I mean, honestly, there are so many fanfics about them you'd think the bloody pairing was canon."

A very, very, very large group of fangirls suddenly appeared in the Great Hall, squishing many Hogwarts students. "IT SHOULD BE!" they all cried in unison, and then disappeared, leaving many children in much pain.

Dumbledore raised both eyebrows, and shrugged once more. He watched as Draco continued to strip for Ron who was becoming steadily more flushed with excitement, until Harry got jealous, dive-tackled the blonde and they began making out again. Dumbledore chuckled and then turned as Snape seemed to appear behind him, his black cloak billowing even though he wasn't moving. "Hello Severus. The only reason I wasn't scared out of my skin from you appearing behind me like some sort of terrifying vampire was because I am Dumbledore and I have awesome ESP and such."

Severus, who'd looked quite drawn and worried, raised one eyebrow. "ESP like Elven Super Powers?"

"No, Severus, you're thinking of Legolas in Lord of the Rings."

"Oh... right," Snape muttered, and then looked twice as worried and fidgety as before. "Um... Headmaster... what if I told you that Harry and I were having a secret love affair?"

Dumbledore studied him carefully with his twinkly eyes. "I'd say that was rather cliché, much like the storyline of Draco getting Harry pregnant and having a row with Lucius to the point of the father and son killing each other," the old man answered in one quick breath.

Snape wrung his hands. "But what if I told you these secret love affairs often occured on your desk while you were out?"

The old man hid a smirk. "Then I'd tell you that I was not, in fact, 'out', and that a favorite past time of mine is reading large books whilst hiding under an invisibility cloak."

It was then that Severus Snape made a face much akin to this: O.O

Meanwhile, Dobby and Winky were standing in the doorway, sipping tea and watching this insanity.

"Really, now, you'd have thought the humans would realize how perfectly stupid they are," Dobby said, in the most prudish voice the little elf could muster.

"Indeed, old chap, indeed. It must be something in the Pumpkin Juice," Winky said primly, taking a quiet sip of tea.

"I make that Pumpkin Juice," Dobby said, sounding supremely unconcerned.

"Well, that would explain it, wouldn't it, darling?" Winky answered, turning and heading back to the kitchen.

Dobby frowned slightly, watching as Filch and McGonagall made out heatedly on the Ravenclaw table. "Well, it's a good entertainment source," he muttered, shrugging, and walked over to join them.

**_CHAPTER 2_**

"I... I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. It just... it isn't working out," Hermione said softly. Harry and Ron stared at her from across the common room.

"No, no, please don't cry, you're making it harder than it already is!" Hermione said as her eyes filled with tears.

Harry leaned close to Ron, and said into his ear, "Has Hermione gone mad?" Ron nodded, gaping slightly as Hermione became increasingly emotional.

"You're just getting too dull for me, you know? You've really let yourself go, too- you see those bald patches? Now, now, don't say such a thing, really, I'm not shallow. I've just found someone else, is all..." she said softly to her old quill.

"Really, I'm flattered, but it can't be like this! NO!" she cried, and flung the quill into the fire. Harry, who was sitting next to that very fire, could have sworn he heard it scream it agony as it curled and writhed in the flames.

"Hermione, honestly, does it have to be like that every time you get a new quill? You're scaring the first years," Ron said, nodding two three of the newer students who were cowering in the corner.

Hermione gave Harry and Ron the evil eye, which had a surprising resemblence to Moody's, and then stormed out of the common room.

Harry stood up and yawned, "Well, I'm going to go to remedial potions now," he said in the most casual tone possible, heading for the door.

"Alright, see you in the morning-- wait, what? Remedial--? It's ten at night, Harry!" Ron protested, standing as well.

"Well... um... y'see..." Harry mumbled, fishing for some lie or excuse.

Ron gaped then, "You're having a secret love affair with Snape on Dumbledore's desk, aren't you!"

Harry started. How'd he figure it out? "Well- um- but- well-- Well, you put twenty dollars in Draco Malfoy's underpants!" he yelled, dashing out as quickly as he could.

The first years in the corner stared at Ron, and one of them whispered, "Ew."

_**CHAPTER 3**_

Harry made his way to Dumbledore's office,humming to himself to break the slightly eerie silence around him. All the corridors were dark, only illuminated by the soft glow of moonlight. Suddenly, he heard a noise to his right, around one of the tapestries.

"Severus?" Harry asked quietly. The only answer was a very soft shuffling, and maybe a little giggle. But could he be sure?

"Is anyone there? Come out, or I'll hex you!" he said, voice still low as to not attract anymore unwanted attention, but threatening nonetheless.

Suddenly, from behind the tapestry, a completely nude Minerva McGonagall jumped out, cackling like an insane woman. "LOW FAT CRUNCHY MENSTRUAL PAINS!" she screamed, and bolted down the corridor, shrieking laughter echoing all the way.

"Oh dear sweet god, kill me now," Harry said very quietly, and felt his eyes burning from the sight of his very saggy, very wrinkly and very bouncy professor.

Turning and walking quickly in the opposite direction, he didn't notice the other male melt out of the shadows and follow him silently.

"How 'bout THEM apples!" Lupin yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

"They're Lemon Drops, honestly," Albus answered, watching as his friend pulled the entire pile of delicious lemon drops toward him. They were playing poker, and instead of using money or even chips, they were using an old favorite of Dumbledore's.

Jesus sighed, "Really, for a King of Jews, I suck at poker."

Buddha pushed his cards toward Dumbledore, "Good game, men. I'm ready to turn in, though, what say you?"

Lupin visibly deflated. "But I thought we could swap manly tales of vigor, ghey man smexxx and gore-filled violence!"

Buddha smiled, "Why, of course. Once, I was playing strip poker with Jesus, God, and Aphrodite, and Aphrodite was all like, 'Can I rub your belly for good luck?' and I was all, 'Well, that would be cheating, right?' and she was all, 'Not if I--'"

Dumbledore cleared his throat, "Seeing as how this is Aphrodite we're talking about, and she wants to rub things, I think I know where this story is going, and--"

But he, too, was cut off, for Draco had just thrown himself through the door and began a strip-tease for the men on the table.

He made 400 American dollars that night, all stuffed into his boxers.

**_CHAPTER 4_**

Harry felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him from behind. "Harry?"

The boy nearly jumped out of his shoes, but quickly turned, and let out a heavy sigh of relief at the sight of Snape. They kissed briefly on the lips in greeting, and then Harry asked,"Hey...Did you seen McGonagall?"

The older man shook his head, "Despite the fact that I was standing about 10 feet away from you the entire time and saw her, I'm going to say that I didn't because the author of this story is writing at 6 in the morning and doesn't feel like making me say I did."

Harry stared. "Um... yeah... so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, ready to go to Dumbledore's?" he asked, a mischevious grin forming on his face.

Snape shook his head fervently, "We can't meet there anymore... due to... um... there's a thing."

Harry sighed heavily, clearly disappointed. "What do you mean?"

"Well-- um, Dumbledore... the thing is, you see... Oh yeah! Well, you made out with Draco Malfoy!" Snape yelled at the top of his lungs and ran away.

_**CHAPTER 5**_

The next morning in the Great Hall, things were more insane than ever before. Sirius, despite being dead, was playing Crazy 8's with Dumbledore, who had a scantily clad woman sitting on his lap. Minerva was running about the Great Hall, screeching and laughing, and to the dismay of the entire school (except maybe the older gentlemen), once again she was completely naked. Harry and Draco were making out on the Hufflepuff table, Ron and Hermione were throwing bits of steak at each other, and Seamus was repeatedly and for no reason screaming, "MAN THE FORT! MAN THE FORT!"

Severus Snape, Argus Filch and Miss Norris were all absent that day, as they had been locked in a broom closet by Mad-Eye Moody. Jesus was walking around the school grounds, holding up a large sign that resembled the 10 of Kings, even though I don't recall there ever being such a card.

_**CHAPTER 6**_

Hagrid, in an attempt at sobriety, had drunk an entire barrel of Pumpkin Juice instead of his usual mead, and was now slow dancing with Trelawney.

"Whisper sweet nothings into me ear," Hagrid said huskily.

"Your mustache is like a Tsunami... your tea smells of battery-acid... I'm pregnant with your child..." Trelawney said quietly.

"You sure know how to make a man feel good."

Back in the Great Hall, Dumbledore had returned to his seat. Sirius had reminded him of an extremely important message he needed to tell everyone. "I have an extremely important message! Children!" he called, looking for attention. No one paid him any, of course.

"Excuse me!" he called, clapping his hands twice. The staff members that hadn't gone mad clapped as well. "Students!"

Suddenly the entire Hall burst into applause, the insane kids all clapping and cheering as loud as they possibly could. Minerva continued to run about, laughing hysterically, but, well, she was too far gone, so no one cared.

Dumbledore looked at Flitwick. "Well, it's a change, I suppose," he muttered. "Oh, by the way, where were you last night? Buddha and Jesus came over and we had tea and cards." Dumbledore had completely forgotten the extremely important message at this point.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I missed it. It was my mother's birthday, you see--"

Just then, the doors to the Great Hall flew open, stunning everyone (yes, even Minvera) into silence. Dumbledore looked up, and smiled, "Ah, yes, right on time. My announcement, everyone, is that Voldemort is now employed at our school and now tends to the new gardens outside."

And, sure enough, Voldemort stood there with a pitchfork in his hand, covered in dragon poo. He also had a very large button on the front of his dirty robes, black with neon green lettering: 'S.P.E.W. r0x3rZ'.

Hermione jumped up, "He's my new spokesman, and he funds my club, Super Poop Eats the Wiggles!"

Everyone was a tad too stunned to correct her.

"Professor, how could this possibly be right? He killed my parents! He tried to bloody kill me for god's sake!" Harry protested loudly.

Everyone shouted in agreement, including Voldemort and Dumbledore. When the noise died down once more, Dumbledore nodded once. "I can see how you're concerned, Harry... Hmmm... Well, I'm sure you can compromise. By the way, just as a little added note, it would be terribly cliché for you to fall madly and hopelessly in love with Malfoy, so I'm going to have to ask you to stop playing with the boy's hair and find someone less likely. Thank you, you may all go to class now."

Harry, who was still sitting on top of the table, looked at Draco sadly, and Draco looked back, frowning. He then whispered, "Well, the old geizer doesn't have to know, eh? What's the password to you're Common Room?"

Harry leaned over and whispered, "Gheymansmexles."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Must be some sort of new plant in America, or something..." he muttered, and Harry shrugged.

Snape danced alone that night, but it was in a fashion that would put all the Chippindale's boys to shame. Score.

**_CHAPTER 7_**

Hermione rocked back and forth, listening to Josh Groban on her iRiver.

So did Dolores Umbridge.

Two weeks later, they had a child that they named Josh.

But Jesus didn't like it so he stole the child forever and raised him to be the King of the Christians, because he didn't want to be. He was the 10 of Kings, darn it!

Then God stole the child, because he wanted his son to still be King of the Jews/Christians/Whatever.

Then Buddha stole it.

Then Umbridge stole it.

Then Voldemort stole it. He named it Harry Potter, gave it to James and Lilly Potter, and tried to kill it. Thus, Dolores Umbridge and Hermione Granger's lesbian love child was the downfall of the Dark Lord.

**_CHAPTER 8_**

Harry watched the gardens very carefully, waiting for any sign of Voldemort. It was July 4th, and even though people in England don't celebrate that day, it had given him an excellent idea.

Three weeks had passed, and Hogwarts had only gotten more insane. Dumbledore was frequently seen walking about the castle in a pink, sparkling thong, Severus Snape opened a strip club where he was the main attraction, and Ron Weasley married his twin brothers and had seven children soon after. Of course, they were all promptly eaten by Hagrid.

And yes, Voldemort was still Hogwarts' gardener and an avid S.P.E.W. supporter. And, for all the pain he caused Harry- well, "the boy who lived" was getting some revenge.

The moon was hidden behind some clouds, and, as blackness fell over the grounds, Harry made his move. With his wand he lit every firework he'd planted all throughout Voldemort's carefully tended gardens and then ran away, giggling and drooling, toward the forest.

He thought he was home free as he ran further and giggled even harder when a loud WHEEEEEE sounded from one of the fireworks and the light illuminated the grounds. However, about 70 yards from the forest, his giggling was cut off abruptly as he was dive tackled to the ground and got the living crap beat out of him by an extremely irate Voldemort.

**_CHAPTER 9_**

McGonagall had, in the past week, improved and worsened all at once. Instead of running around like an idiot in the nude, she was now fully clothed and seemed to be back to normal most of the time- but she had some strange quirks. Such as, just before a class would come in, she would dismantle every single desk in the room and dance wildly when her students would try to sit down and fall to the floor. She would also profess her love to Professor Trelawney every day at 9 in the morning, and whenever someone said "Thank you" to her, she would make a cup of tea and pour it on herself, all the while singing Canada's national anthem to the tune of "Yankee Doodle".

So, one sunny Wednesday morning, as Minerva was getting ready for her first class of the day, Dumbledore entered her room and stared at her for a while.

Then he left.

"So," said Hermione, chewing on a piece of glass she found outside. "We have a two page report due tomorrow, Ron."

"Yes, that we do," answered Ron, who was avidly reading a magazine called 'Teen Witch Weekly'.

"Have you done any of it?" she asked, shuffling some random papers around on her desk to make it sound like she was doing something.

"No," he answered. "But I have an idea. I'll do a bit, and then we'll combine our two essays and copy them and we'll only do one fourth of the work each!"

She stared at him and then shouted, "THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA!" and shoved her... fourth of the essay toward him to be read. It was as follows:

How Seven Is A Number

So one day, there was this thing and there was a universe. The universe is ONE. Then there was an earth, and an earth plus a universe equals two. Then there was a dinosaur, and that equals four because in order for there to be a dinosaur there had to be a grass. Then, another dinosaur. Six. Then a human appeared and that WOULD HAVE equaled seven except the dinosaur died simultaneously. But don't be sad. The biverse (as in, the second universe) was created, making seven. The End.

Ron stared for a long time. Then he died from it's brilliance.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sometimes, Remus, you make me feel so lonely. In fact, when I look at you, it's like I just wanna weep for ever and ever."

"...I think you have the wrong number."

"Oh, sorry. Is Remus there?"

"...YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!"

click

"...Poop..."

---

After Dumbledore had finished making several phone calls to very important people, he ate his Phoenix and walked around outside for a bit. A cup of staples in one hand and a billiard in the other (I have no idea what a billiard is, really), he walked to Hagrid's house to say hello.

"Hagrid? Are you in?" he called.

A female's voice answered. "I'm busy with him. Please return later!"

"But...I..."

"I SAID PLEASE RETURN LATER, AAAAHHH!"

"Double-ewe tee eff? Let me in!" Dumbledore cried, kicking open the door with his billiard. Then he saw a sight that would forever blind him- or blind him for a second or something. Whatever.

Trelawney was on top of Hagrid, busily braiding his beard while she tried to lick her nose.

Suddenly, the phoenix in Dumbledore was reborn and made him implode so he had to go to the hopsitclal.

Yeah, that.

---

Harry opened his eyes slowly, his fourth day in the hopsitclal wing dragging by as he slipped in and out of awake-edness. "Where is he?" he asked Madame Pomphrey who was making the bed next to him.

"Who, dear?"

"Voldemort," he answered, one of his black eyes aching terribly at the mere sound of the name.

"Dumbledore is going to have a stern talk with him when he's better, I assure you. Don't try to take matters into your own hands, Harry."

Harry growled and barked at her until she went away.  
Hermione and Ron had gotten an A on the essay, or however they grade those things in Hogwarts. Either way, it was a good grade, so they decided to celebrate.

Hermione gathered as much rotten ham as she could possibly find, as it was lurking in every corner, and Ron brought gallons of milk. Then, they crept into Filch's office and nailed the rotten ham to the door and walls and filled every one of his cabinets with milk. Then, they taped pictures of him naked to all of the stalls in all the boys bathrooms, and went back to their commonroom, giggling insanely.

The next day, when Filch found all of this, he broke out in a rash and had to be rushed to the hopsitclal with Dumbledore.

It was there they met.

**Billiard.**

_I...I know this sounds crazy..." He heard himself whisper, running a hand across the other's chest._

"Go on," he heard the other wizard whisper back, placing a few gentle kisses on his shoulder, making shivers run down his spine.

"I... I think I love you."

"Oh, Voldemort..." the other responded, cupping one pale cheek in his worn hand. "Tom..."

"My love.. my Argus..."

Voldemort sat up in his bed abruptly,his entire body covered in sweat. "I'm in love with FILCH?"

Suddenly he was attacked by Harry who beat him with a trashbag full of house elves.

---

Ginny Weasly was petting Crookshanks with a keyboard in the GCR when Hermione walked in, looking pouty.

"Are you alright, Hermy-lermy?" Ginny asked in her most seductive voice.

"Oh Ginny, I just can't stop thinking about how much I love Ron," the curly-haired girl answered, her voice as sultry as a black push-up bra's would be if bras had voices.

"Oh, but Hermione, I've fallen in love with you!" Ginny cried, writhing on the floor while Crookshanks ran as fast as he could away from the madness.

"Oh, GINNY! I just realized- I'm a lesbian! Let's do it!" Hermione screamed at the top of her lungs.

Moments later, Hermione and Ginny could be found knitting hats and socks.

"This is _so_ great," Ginny whispered.

---

Dumbledore married Filch in Saint Mungo's two days after they met, and went back to Hogwarts for their honeymoon. Voldemort was absolutely distraught, and so, he wrote an emo poem:

_My heart is dead  
Though it beats,  
When it's not raining  
it just sleets.  
My love is gone  
I am torn,  
I bleed black blood  
I always mourn.  
I want to die  
but I have 7 lives,  
I want 1 husband  
more than 20 wives.  
-I love you, Filchy-_

Voldemort, being proud of his creation, taped it to a tree. Dumbledore, on one of his frequent strolls around a tree, saw it, gasped, and ate it. He then divorced Filch because he didn't want another man wanting his man.

---

Dobby giggled to himself as he poured more peculiar chemicals into the giant vat of pumpkin juice. Winky giggled, too, when she poured gallons of vodka into the pumpkin juice as well.

Dun dun dunnnn.

Hermione walked down the hallway, screeching loudly, seven large books in her hands.

"Is there a dying animal on the loose?" came a voice behind her, and she whirled around, gasping loudly.

"Professor Dumbledore!" she cried after several minutes.

"Yes, it is I!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, one hour later. "How are you, Miss Granger?"

"Actually, I'm having some trouble carrying these large books around," she answered, frowning at the stack of books in her arms. The top one was titled 'The Little Mermaid'.

"Allow me to help you," he answered, laying on the floor and wiggling over.

"Professor Dumbledore, I cannot keep it in any longer! You're smart, I'm smart... we simply must be lovers!" Hermione screamed, leaping on him. They writhed around on the floor, making weird noises.

Suddenly, Ginny came around the corner. "OMGZ WTF H3RM10N3 WTH Y R U WIT DUMBL3D0R3!" she cried, slapping herself with a fish.

"Because I think you're a poop so go poop on your butt!" Hermione replied.

Then all three of them calmly went to lunch.

------

Lunch at Hogwarts was just as chaotic as any other day. Even the enchanted ceiling was affected- instead of showing the weather, it was now depicting Fred and George doing the cabbage patch continuously.

"Harry!" cried Draco as Potter entered the Great Hall for the first time in weeks. Harry was clad in a dress made entirely out of staples that Ron had constructed for him, making him shiny.

"Draco!" Harry gasped as they ran toward each other, arms open. "My sweet blond avocado! My hair obsessed dumpling! My beautiful spatula!"

Draco's eyes welled up with tears at the lovely endearments until the two boys finally collided and he was stabbed by millions of staples.

"I love you so much that I can almost not feel the pain," Draco whimpered.

Severus Snape looked on this display of love with revulsion. Harry was his and the dumb blond stole him away!

'I shalln't have such things here!' he thought. 'I am a teacher! I have authority! I must take back the man I love!'

As he stood to put an end to their love affair, the Great Hall doors were flung open (which is truly an achievement, as they are quite huge) and slammed against the walls, squishing the unfortunate few who were standing near them.

Everyone in the Hall simultaniously gasped (even those who hadn't seen yet) as Nifflers poured into the hall with machine guns.

There was a moment of silence from everyone as the little creatures got in position, surrounding students and teachers alike. Suddenly, breaking the silence, Dolores Umbridge ran into the Hall and cried, "A twist in the plot!" and broke in half.

Before the people of Hogwarts could comprehend this, the Nifflers opened fire and people began falling left and right as blood and bullets flew.

After the students realized that it was probably a bad idea to just stand there, the manslaughter quickly turned into an all-out war. The wizards and witches of the school pulled out wands and cursed the psychopath little nifflers. But of course, Hogwarts is crazy, so here and there people would pull out a sword and charge or suddenly burst into flame and run around the ranks of the nifflers, setting them aflame as well.

Laying on the floor, bleeding from several wounds in his bullet-filled pancreas, was Snape. His dark eyes were slowly glossing over, his pale face looking sickly.

Harry Potter, turning off his Spontaneous Combustion powers for the moment, ran to him and knelt down.

"Severus!" he squealed.

"Harry... Harry... I must tell... I... must..." Snape whispered, hardly able to get the words out.

"Yes?" asked Harry softly, leaning closer.

"I... I always loved you..." The older man's eyes went blank then, his body going limp.

Harry, realizing in one swift moment that he'd always loved Snape too, cried out in agony, "WHHHYYYY?"

A niffler noticed this and turned around, shooting the crap out of the Boy Who Lived.

Harry clutched his heart, tears of ultimate emo-ness streaming down his face, and fell over his true love, their blood mingling on the floor.

He'd died of a broken heart. The bullet wounds were in his waist.

------

The battle raged on furiously, the little nifflers slowly gaining ground on the insane students.

"We can't win!" cried Neville, who was in the corner weeping.

"Their machine guns are just too much for us!" yelled a random Hufflepuff, because all Hufflepuffs are random except for Cedric.

"Gurgly poop poop!" screeched Hermione.

Then, amid the violent chaos, strode the lovliest girl in all the land. Her long, sparkly raven hair whipped out behind her as she came into the Great Hall, her big blue eyes all mysterious and whatnot. She was clad in a short school-girl skirt and a tight white top, with long black billowing robes.

Even the nifflers stopped to stare, and she said in her soft, sweet little voice, "My name is Crystal Serenity Sapphire Daniella Summer Kitsune-chan, and I'm an American exchange student, here to save the day."

She had no wand, but because she was perfect, she merely held out her hand and snapped her fingers, and suddenly all the nifflers where on the top of some remote mountain in China.

The students stared, eyes wide, at this 'American Exchange Student.'

"Hermione!" she cried suddenly, her perfect voice carrying perfectly to the curly-haired Gryffindor. Hermione cautiously walked over, wand out just in case.

"Hermione, I am going to give you a totally like amazingly awesome make over, and then you are going to snag all the hotties, kay?" Crystal-chan said, flicking her hair out of her flawless face.

"Really? That's so kind of you!" Hermione said, grinning at the prospect of 'snagging the hotties'.

Crystal giggled cutely, and then broke in half, revealing a small and extremely ugly house elf. Suddenly, everyone who was dead was alive again, but foaming at the mouth.

Well, it wasn't very different from the norm, but whatever.

Disappointed, the other Hogwartians groaned, but Hermione leaned down, a maternal smile on her face. "It's okay. You can work here, you know, you don't have to pretend--" she was cut off as the house elf jumped up and latched itself onto the top of her head with it's mouth. Hermione stood up, utterly perplexed, and then shrugged.

New hats are always fun.

--------

Soon after the war, Hogwarts celebrated a double marriage- Dumbledore and Hermione, and Filch and Voldemort. There were 100 huge cakes along with other sweets, and all the students were invited. The only payment to get in was one barrel of pumpkin juice, made special by Dobby and Winky.

"It's quite a shame that the little thing had to attach itself to Granger," said Dobby, sipping on his tea as he regarded the peculiar-looking house elf still stuck on the top of Hermione's head.

"Yes, yes, quite. It would have been ever so fun to take the mickey out of it in the kitchens, you know," Winky answered as she added some cream to her coffee.

"YOU TOUS WANTZ T3H PUNKIN JOOSES?" screeched Ginny as she wobbled passed them, thoroughly drunk. Not only had she downed an entire barrel of pumpkin juice, but in her depression at her girlfriend getting married, she added alcohol to it.

Bad, bad idea.

The two house elves chuckled to themselves and walked away to survey the rest of the increasingly insane guests.

Suddenly, Ron flew up into the air on Harry's broom and cried, "I caught the bouquet!" He branished some cat treats in the air as proof, and everyone clapped.

"So I gets to choose who Imma marryin', then?" he asked, and everyone nodded, shouted or wiggled in agreement.

He closed his eyes and pointed outward, twirled around on the broom, and then stopped abruptly and opened his eyes to see who he landed on.

He was pointing at Ginny.

And so, with his sister too smashed to know what was going on and the rest of Hogwarts too stupid to know anything at all, Ron was married to his sister immediately.

Then he fell off the broomstick and broke a million bones. 

It was Hermione and Dumbledore's wedding night, and they were sitting on the Astronomy Tower, sharing a delicious hunk of cheese.

"It's like, soooo pretty up here, you know?" Hermione said, curling up to her new hubby.

_Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you,  
That is how I know you go on_

"Lolz, yeah," he answered quietly, looking around at all the students who were currently making out around them. This was a popular spot for that.

_Far across the distance  
And spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on_

"So... what d'you want to do, Dumbly?" she asked, cramming a piece of cheese the size of her hand into her mouth.

_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on_

Dumbledore's eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully, "Well, I kind of want to find out where that Celine Dion music is coming from."

_I'm setting the mood  
So shut up and kiss her  
you old poop_

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled for no reason and he nodded sagely. "Of course, of course." He looked at Hermione who was staring at him confused because she couldn't hear any Celine Dion music, and said, "So... do you want to make out, or something?"

_You aren't supposed to ask  
You idiot  
Didn't Minerva teach you anything?_

"Oh, right, of course," Dumbledore said, and leaned down to romantically kiss his new bride when someone suddenly burst through the door to the tower.

_Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're one_

"Hermione!" Snape cried, his wand out. "Don't!"

_Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on_

"Snape, wtf, n00b? The floaty Celine Dion song voice told me to kiss her and you're like messing it up!" Dumbledore said angrily.

"Yeah, and I thought you were in love with Harry," Hermione said, pouting. "Especially since he died from a broken heart and your blood mingled like all those emo songs say."

_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on_

"So what?" Snape said. "I burst through the door so I might as well finish what I came here to do."

"What were you going to do?" Hermione asked.

_There is some love that will not go away  
You're here, there's nothing I fear,  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way_

Snape pointed his wand at Dumbledore and cried, "LOL!" A jet of green light shot from his wand and hit Dumbledore who flew over the side of the tower and plummeted through the night air.

"NOOOO!" Hermione cried, standing up. "WTF, Snape! Why'd you have to cast LOL on him!"

_You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on_

"Sorry about that, Granger, but it had to be done. See you in class tomorrow," he answered, and walked away.

_Well, this sucks  
Sorry, kid_

"Frick," Hermione said sadly, and ate her cheese whilst sobbing.

---

Voldemort and Filch, on the other hand, were having a great time. They were curled up in bed, limbs entwined after a long night of gardening.

"Did you really want me more than 20 wives?" Filch asked him after Voldemort recited his awesome Emo Poem to him.

"If they were like, really ugly, then yeah," Voldemort said, playing with his love's hair.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Filch asked, annoyance showing in his voice.

"Absolutely nothing," the Dark Lord answered hurriedly.

"Oh, okay."

Then suddenly, Snape burst into the room. "Filch! Don't believe him!" he cried.

"Snape, WTF n00b?" Voldemort said angrily.

"Wait, are you guys naked?" Snape asked, branishing his wand.

"Um... yeah," Filch said. "We've been gardening all night long, you dolt."

Snape paused for several seconds, unable to stop the mental images. "Oh, dear sweet Merlin, KILL ME! KILL ME PLEASE! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!"

Voldemort rolled his snake-like eyes and pointed his wand at the poor teacher, yelling, "LOL!"

With his last gasping breath, Snape whispered, "Thank you..."

Voldemort leaned over his husband, looking at the body. "Well, this sucks. What're we gonna do now?"

"Wanna garden some more?" Filch suggested, smirking.

"With a dead Snape in our room?" Voldemort asked, raising his almost invisible eyebrows.

"Why not?" Filch asked, winking.

"Oh, you're so naughty!" Voldemort cried with glee. "I call the tulips!" 

Dumbledore stood before the students in the Great Hall, all of them silent and serious.

"Cho Chang," he said, voice echoing throughout the large room. The young lady stood and walked to the front of the room, head bowed. Never had she been so solemn. She stopped right in front of Dumbledore, cheeks pink from all the attention: the entire school was watching her.

Slowly, Dumbledore held out his wand to her and tapped both of her shoulders. "I dub thee... a giraffe. Named Gary."

Cho grinned and turned around, facing her peers. "HAY GUYZ I'M GARY!" The school stood up and applauded her and made loud dolphin noises.

After that invigorating lunch, the students proceeded to lick their tree trunks.

----

BILLIARD!

----

Harry Potter walked into Transfiguration one evening, frowning slightly.

"What's wrong, Potter?" Professor McGonagall asked, nibbling on her desk absentmindedly.

"Well, me and Ron are having some problems," he confessed. "The other day I wouldn't give him a brownie and so he set me on fire. I told him he was being a bit unreasonable and he took off his shirt, wrote 'I QUIT' on it and set that on fire too. I just don't understand him, Professor."

Minerva nodded slowly. "I see, I see... Maybe the answer here is to explode violently for no reason, killing millions in your path of destruction."

Harry rubbed his beard thoughtfully. "This is very consoling, Professor McGonagall. Thank you."

As Harry said 'thank you', McGonagall twitched and quickly made a cup of tea. Once it was done she poured it on herself, singing:

"Yankee Doodle went to Canada

Riding on a pi-rate

He stuck a beaver in his boob

And called it moose poop, EH!"

----

SNAPE!

---

"How's the gardening going, my sweet?" Voldemort asked, smiling at his husband. Filch, on a ten minute lunch break, returned the smile.

"Crap, as usual. How's the gardening going, my lovely?"

Voldemort looked down at his plants, frowning a little. "No matter how hard I try, Filchy, ever since Potter exploded my garden I just can't get my pansies growing."

"Stupid Potter," muttered Filch.

"Yeah, I know. We should plot a terrible and utterly fatal revenge to teach him a lesson," said Voldemort.

However, before they could even begin this mischievous plotting, Wormtail popped up from the ground randomly, soaking wet for no reason.

"Voldemort, thank the stars!" he cried, clapping his hands together. "I've been waiting for this moment my whole life!"

Voldemort glared furiously at his annoyingly loyal subject. "You idiot, look what you've done! Now there's a huge hole in my garden that probably leads to Argentina or Mars or something! WTF is your problem!"

Filch raised an eyebrow, one hand on his hip. "Who's this ho?" he demanded.

"Ho!" yelled Wormtail. "Oh no you didn't, biatch!"

Voldemort stared. "No, wait, Filchy, don't listen to him. He's an old ex, you know how it is."

"Old ex!" cried Wormtail. "Boiii, I bathed you with a sponge when you ain't had no arms, so don't TELL ME!"

Filch stepped in between them, snapping his fingers, "Tell him? Oh, I'll tell you somethin': YOU AIN'T IN THE PIKCHA, so you best step off, cracka!"

"SLUT, YOU CRAAAAZEEEE!"

Filch paused, and looked back at Voldemort who nodded slowly. Then he turned back to Wormtail. "Craazzzeee?" he said soberly. "THIS-- IS-- HOGWAAAARTS!" and he booted Wormtail back through his hole to Mars.

---

"Hermione," said Luna, "may I stroke your mustache?"

"Baaa," Hermione replied.

It was an exceptionally warm day in the middle of August, about 700 or so degrees. The flowers were blooming and the trees were singing and the birds were swaying with the wind, all parties particularly full of joy this day.

Snape galloped idly amongst the vampires, verbing on some noun he'd acquired earlier that day. "I do love my broccoli, lol," he said earnestly.

-----

"Dumbledore," Lucius said quietly. "I can't seem to find my son. Is he off with his stupid lover again?"

"Hmmm," said Dumbledore in a low voice. "I think Harry is actually with Snape or Ron or McGonagall or something. I can hardly keep up with all the kids' drama nowadays. But no, I don't know where your lad is."

Lucius sighed darkly, running a worn but sexy hand through his flaxen hair. "I see," he murmured almost inaudibly. "I need him for an important anti-muggle ritual but I just can't find him. It's most annoying, I must say."

"Why not take me in his stead?" Dumbledore asked softly.

Lucius' eyes widened slightly. "You would torture muggles? Why, my good man, I never thought I'd see the day."

Dumbledore chuckled under his breath. "Now, now, don't get your panties in a knot. I just meant I'd dress up like Draco and pretend to be your son for a smidgen. That way your reputation won't be hurt. I never said I would partake in your events."

"Very well," Lucius said tacitly, rather pleased. "Thank you for taking my reputation into consideration, Albus... I never knew you cared so much."

Dumbledore smiled, eyes twinkling like stars and stuff, and he took Lucius' hand. "Of course I care... I..."

"Albus," Lucius whispered, squeezing the older man's hand slightly, his breath catching in his throat. "I-- I always---"

"No!" Dumbledore exclaimed, suddenly stern. "I have a wife. Don't say it, you'll only make it harder for us to keep our feelings under wraps. Let's just go to the muggle thing and forget this ever happened."

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "Feelings? What are you talking about? I was just going to say I always wanted a lemon drop."

Dumbledore gaped a moment, and then leapt across the room like a wild weasel-giraffe and dive tackled his extensive stock of lemon drops. "You'll never get my lemon drops, you narkle-flapping elephant!"

Lucius stared and then walked away forever.

-----

Remus Lupin yawned after a long day of werewolfing and pooping and set down his machine gun to do a bit of light reading.

"Lol," Tonks said happily, rolling around on the floor.

"Shut up," he replied in a compunctious tone.

Then she died!

-----

Harry laid back on his bed, soft green eyes clouded with troubling thoughts.

What if I am truly the lesbian love child of Dolores Umbridge and Hermione Granger? he thought, a slight frown on his handsome face. What would that mean to the wizards of this society? What would this mean for my relationship with Hermione?

As his hand ruffled his own hair, the tip of one finger drifted across his scar. What would he be like if Voldemort had never been born?

Well, he probably would have a girlfriend, and like a hundred more friends by now. And Ron would be another one of the losers he would never talk to because Ron is basically a useless frat boy. And Hermione?

Harry lol'd at Hermione.

"Well," Harry said to himself, "I guess I know what I have to do now."

As he got up to leave the dormitory, Seamus stopped him. "Er, Harry? Where you just talking to yourself?"

Harry glared at him, "Shut up, you feckless ingrate. And if I ever hear your Bulgarian accent again I'll poop on my head."

"I'm definitely Irish, you puerile pooping prostitute, not Bulgarian," Seamus said with a great sense of brume, and stalked off.

Harry grinned evilly.

-----

There was a room in Hogwarts that had never once been entered save by Godric Gryffindor. It never existed in Hogwart legends, it was never stumbled upon by innocent passersby, and so it was never searched for. Even the other founders of Hogwarts were unwitting of it's creation or existance, a fact that Godric was rather proud of.

It had a cathedral-like ceiling, high and magnificent, the stone it was made out of looking absolutely brilliant in the morning sun that came in through the heavily dusted windows. Shelves lined the walls, mostly holding books that were sometimes thousands of years old with pages that were miraculously well-preserved but might have crumbled under a rough hand, some of which holding secrets about Hogwarts and it's creation that were perhaps better left unknown. The shelves that did not hold books possessed frames that were so covered in dust the pictures were no longer visible and old odds and ends that might as well have been important to someone but seemed utterly useless now.

In the middle of this room was an old, incredibly intricate rug, deep red and gold for the most part, with two ancient couches sitting on it and facing one another. Once upon a time they might have been incredibly comfortable and it looked like they'd been well used by their previous owner, but now their wood was frail and their cotton was worn.

Dust idly spiralled in the sweet, kind light that sunk into the room as it had always done, dancing in a way that was random and routine all at once.

Suddenly, and explosion ripped through it, utterly destroying the beauty that hadn't been treasured in over a millennium.

Harry Potter had taken McGonagall's advice and exploded violently, taking millions of lives in his path of destruction, all the while crying, "SAUCY ATMOSPHERES MAKE AWFULLY NUMBING TURKEY HATS AAAAAHHHH!"

Then everyone died FOREVER! And it was a genocide that would last in the memories of all for OVER NINE THOOOUUUSAAAAAAAND YEARS!


End file.
